Preface to Revised and Updated Book

I have come to a powerful revelation as I started revising and updating this book.  When I wrote the first version in 1993 with an updated version in ’96, I felt that I needed to write my story in a “soft” way in order that my parents would not be hurt.  After all, they were still alive.  I thought that those of you who had similar lives could read between the lines.  I wrote the story of my history in a lovely, prose-like style, trying not to offend anyone. 

As I have reread the book, it has made me cry.  Not from the sadness of the story, for I have healed my heart of much of it.  But the sadness has come in the realization that I was holding out, hanging onto the thread of hope that I would someday get their approval and blessing.  Lord knows I have tried.  I have given and given, and when the abusive explosions of anger came, I dutifully went and made up, thinking I could overlook it one more time.  In the interest of keeping the family relationship going, even with all of the dysfunction, I thought we could create some happiness in the midst of the craziness.  And with their selective memory, it was if it never happened – until they needed to remember it again to punish me.  It messes with your head when they don’t remember it and then they do remember it.  There are very important events that had a life shattering effect on us girls that they refuse to remember.  Dad absolutely denies he ever hit Mother, even though he broke her collarbone and I called the police.  After that beating, I never called them again.  And then he denies that he ever hit us.  But, we were there and we all remember.  I lived in such fear and terror, I lay in bed at night and stared at the doorknob, praying it would not turn.  Many times I was pulled out of bed in the midst of one of their fights because they needed to spread the violence.  It had nothing to do with me.  I kept thinking, “If I can just be good enough, they won’t hurt me.”  But I could never be good enough.

And where was my mother in all of this?  I wondered that too.  She never defended us against him.  I think she sold out early on in the name of security (material possessions) and accepted the abuse.  But years of it made her sick in her spirit and sick in her mind.  She sacrificed herself and she sacrificed her daughters.

This is what I now know about it.  Love brings up everything unlike itself.  If a person feels unworthy of love and has the belief they are not good enough, when you show them love and compassion, they can only react out of their belief system and reject the love.  They also reject the lover.  All those dark, negative patterns are brought up to be healed, but they show up just as they are.  When we love miserable, angry people, we expect to get back love – to transform their misery with our love.  That is what we are told by all the “Light & Love teachers”.  I have even been guilty of teaching it myself.  I wanted to believe it for my own situation.  We do plant seeds that may yield a harvest, but usually not when we are wanting it.  And maybe, in the scope of eternity and karma, it does happen, somewhere, in a future life.

I do know that when we change ourselves, everyone around us has to change because the dynamics of our roles and interplay of patterns have shifted. Sometimes, it enrages others when we become happy, and don’t play their games anymore.  Eric Berne who authored “Games People Play” absolutely nailed it.  Miserable, angry people demand that everyone around them be miserable as well.  My father who was a bully and a terrorist (before we heard much about that notion), ruined every holiday, celebration, and special events making sure we all suffered.  He could never be happy for our successes or happy events.  He hated it when we laughed and put a stop to that nonsense.  After being punished and crying, we were told, “I’ll give you something to cry about”.  And we could not laugh or cry.

I was the oldest of five daughters to a father who only valued males.  We all tried to be his “boy”, but he resented us for assuming that we could even try.  We still have no value and in his eyes are failures.  He has demeaned us at every opportunity when we made ourselves vulnerable to his scrutiny. 

Recently, after his scathing dressing down of me, I finally lost it.  I have prided myself in being kind, calm and in control.  My father is the only person who can push me over the edge and I can feel the rage bubbling up.  He can access it in a way no one else can.  After I exploded and lashed back with tears of anger, I went through the guilt and self-punishment of “Why couldn’t I have been calm and just leave or talk it through?  I am a spiritual teacher and I should be above this behavior.”  After doing a breathing meditation, I was shown that from the very beginning he instilled his rage in me.  It was never mine.  He thought if he could make us act out and get angry, it somehow absolved him and made him more normal.  Yes, I took it on.  Maybe, I wanted him to be normal and had to equalize the situation.  He could access the rage in me because he originated it.  I know I have always sought peace – sometimes at any price. I feel sad at giving my peace over to him. 

Part of our healing has to do with self-love and demands that we no longer accept the abusive treatment.  Our sovereignty has to be restored.  We must come into self-empowerment in order to move back onto the grid of our blueprint which is our plan and purpose for being on this earth.  We have to get off of the roller coaster of emotional lessons which keeps us stuck in a victim consciousness.  As long as we are just students learning the lessons, we can justify a life spent in apathy, - no action – no self-responsibility.  By stepping onto our grid, we can then do our work.

Being born into our earth family, is for our transformation – for leaving the life as a human and embracing our spiritual self – our true being.  It is akin to forgiveness in that we forgive others for our own release. We have been afraid that if we become who we really are, that our families will leave us.  The truth is, we leave them, because that segment of our earth life is complete.  We can still love our families – and some of you are lucky enough to have families who are embracing love and a spirit-directed life. That is a precious part of our human heart.

We are here to raise the human consciousness.  First we have to come into consciousness, ourselves.  The blessing I have been waiting for from my parents will never come.  They are not capable of giving me that. I can no longer work for their approval. They will never give me their approval and acceptance. That has to come from within – through my connection to the Divine which is the source of all Love , Mercy and Understanding.

Writing this new, more truthful and authentic book is a great blessing for me.  It is a catharsis to move on.  It is a catalyst to let go of the myths of a fantasy I have held onto.  “They” are not going to change.  They have had several huge wake-up calls and they have not budged.  My sister was murdered as a result of her devastated life.  She wanted their love and attention so much, she ended up dead.  Mother has had cancer and is debilitated.  They still do not want to deal with any of it.  I think there is a point of no return where a person can no longer hear the calling of spirit.  The choice has been made.    I, too, must make my choice – for myself – for my worth.  I must fill my life with goodness overflowing, with beauty, with service to humanity and the servers of humanity.

 Introduction 
  
Crossing the Threshold

            It is said that the human “Over-Soul”originally fell from the Light into the world of shadows.  As time passed, it identified with desires of the senses, with material things, and it became heavier, more dense and opaque.  It lost its light, its wisdom and its consciousness. The veils multiplied, but once the soul grows weary of its captivity and becomes conscious of its exile from the world of Light, this longing to return home begins the ascent back to the Light. 

            That journey back, from the dense material and sensual addictions to that of the true function of the Spirit, is the Evolutionary Quest.  Some are calling this ascent the change of consciousness.

            As consciousness moves upward from sense to spirit it becomes the spiritual heart of pure love.  It is this heart that finally unites with the Oneness of All.

            Many are in resistance to the change. We see paradigms crumbling and falling away as new ones are struggling to be born.  Nothing is the same anymore -- Relationships, Business, Success.  Many people are still addicted to terrible suffering and are tormented by the changes.  Most of these do not want to live and, instead, opt for disease and death.  In order for us to positively shift our consciousness, we each must reclaim our divinity.  We must lift the veil of lies and ignorance that have imprisoned us in unhappiness with no peace anywhere.  We must take responsibility for our purpose in being here and reclaim the throne of power and aliveness that is our birthright.

                                                                                                                        “For man, the vast marvel is to be alive. For man, as for flower and beast and bird, the supreme triumph is to be most vividly, most perfectly alive.  Whatever the unborn and the dead may know, they cannot know the beauty, the marvel of being alive in the flesh. The dead may look after the afterwards.  But the magnificence here and now of life the flesh is ours, and ours alone and ours only for a time. That I am part of the earth my feet know perfectly, and my blood is part of the sea. My soul knows that I am part of the human race, my soul is an organic part of the great human soul, as my spirit is part of my nation. In my very own self, I am part of my family. There is nothing of me that is alone and absolute except my mind, and we shall find that the mind has no existence by itself, it is only the glitter of the sun  on  the  surface of  the  waters.”          D. H.  Lawrence

            Yes, the transition is underway.  Make no mistake about it. If we close our eyes too long, when we look again, every cell of all living beings and material consciousness will be changed -the old way will be gone with a reorganization of the earth and a new creation. There will be no more memory of suffering, no more conflicts, everything flowing within one and the same rhythm.  Things will not be done because you have learned to do them a certain way and have been programmed with self-destructive belief system -- rather you will have a spontaneous response -- a new method of consciousness which knows the right thing at the exact moment of doing it and does all with a profound Celebration of Life.

            In order to go into this new realm, we have to prepare ourselves and cleanse out all dense, cellular patterns that would keep us in old limiting prisons of darkness.  One of the biggest challenges we face is to let go of our addiction to suffering.  We think that we have to prove we are human by suffering, and that it is unthinkable to let go of suffering.  We believe it is inhuman to be joyful when others are suffering.  However, the only way we can affect anyone else is to be a living truth to the fact that we can be free of suffering.  The only trust is in the living proof to any theory.

            The reason we are here on this planet earth is to do this very thing. We came here to experience accelerated growth by donning bodies and experiencing emotions.  It is the emotional body that is the greatest challenge and mystery for our species.  However, we are now being given the way through this seemingly enormous and unconquerable force that runs our lives - with pain, unhappiness and torment being the result.

            In our enlightenment process, it is important to regain the gentleness, dignity and vast compassionate love for which we long and from which we came.  That is why I am honored to bring a gateway that is being opened for the first time to serve us as we have this dream and return to Reality.  The Holy Spirit is guiding us and using the Breath as this gateway revealing the presence of Light.  It is the portal between the despair, the dark and guilty suffering - and the holy return Home, for which we are truly longing.

            I present to you the Ultimate Invitation - the invitation to choose Life - to choose Freedom -- to choose Divinity - to come home to Love.  

       In the Spirit of the Breath of Light,  

       Dr. Mary Carolyn Meadows, N.D.